Making mistakes has made me a better Celebrant!
Updated: Sep 25
Setting the scene
About two years into my business, it happened. Not one moment, not two, but four moments, or rather, four mishaps!
I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Embarrassment and shame overwhelmed me. Not to mention feeling utterly mortified.
I had made these mistakes/mishaps at someone’s wedding!
Let me set the scene, the venue was a glorious country home. A huge country home, the kind which is in the family for over 100 years. The wedding was set in one section of their wrap-around garden. A wedding like the type you see in the films where you have drinks on the lawn afterwards. Outfits on point. Posh accents all round. A live band who also happened to be touring Australia. A few hundred guests. A gorgeous gorgeous wedding with almost too good to be true sunny weather.
It all started the day before, at rehearsal. A member of the family sidled up to me and said words along the line of “you’re in charge of the whole space”.
The words spun round my head like an ever-lingering echo, I started to panic! I had never looked at it that way before, but yes, yes, of course I was.
Obviously as the celebrant, that's what we do! We lead the ceremony on your wedding day, we hold the space, we are looked upon to know what we're doing if something goes wrong! Obviously!
So, there I am, with boundless portions of endless nerves well and truly kicked in. We did rehearsal, it was quick, easy and over and done with in no time. Meeting family, friends, little ones was all lovely with a gentle buzz of happy excitement in the air. I imagine myself with an ever-growing invisible grey bubble of worry above my head, which slowly grew larger as day headed into evening. I left the wedding party, family and friends to continue their joyful wedding set up and headed off home to practice, practice, practice! I had already practiced a fair bit in the days and weeks beforehand and knew all the moving parts. All the same, those nerves and the ever larger grey bubble of worry demanded I practice more, as if I knew not a thing.
On the day
On the day, all the “calming my nerves” techniques I had in my ‘back pocket’ were not up to the job at hand. I tried them anyway, in-between meeting new friendly happy faces. I smiled and guided people here and there, chatting in my friendly manner as I usually do, but my nerves were at level 140 (if they were out of 100).
About 15 minutes beforehand I headed behind the nearby bushes to do my superwoman pose and calming breathing. A moment I always take before the ceremony to check any revisions of the script or steady my nerves. This time however, it was a last ditch attempt at coming back to the present moment, a last ditch moment to feel calm and confident. It wasn’t the wisest decision in the end as that’s where I encountered one of the band members having a last minute behind the bush pee. He must have been nervous too?! We awkwardly nodded British niceties at each other, which was it’s own awkward moment as neither of us are British!
The ceremony
It was time for the ceremony to start, guests gathered and got themselves seated. The band got into their places. The groom nervously checked he looked fine and not too nervous. Last minute questions to make sure I would let him know when to turn around to look at his bride. Then the procession with all the tiny flower girls and beautiful bridesmaids, the bride flowing in behind them glowing in the sunshine while the band played them all down the aisle. Wonderful! Truly majestic and wonderful.
Everything was going very well . . .
. . . until I started talking!
I welcomed everyone to - the WRONG venue!
Mortified does not justify how I felt. I had practiced it SO many times!
What. On. Earth!
The bride mouthed the correct name at me, continuing my shame because “I know, I know, I know, but what the hell is my mouth doing?” I gathered myself best I could and continued on with the ceremony.
“you’re in charge of the whole space”
Things were going well for a while, that is, until the readings!
During each reading I would take a seat facing the guests. I called up one of the readers, a much taller lady than me, and promptly sat down, forgetting entirely to adjust the microphone for her. I could feel the side-eye glare of the lady and wanted to disappear into the bushes. Did I get up to help her adjust the microphone stand as she struggled? No, no, I did not! I was totally frozen. I sat and stared thinking “I should get up and help her, that’s my job after all” But no, fight, freeze, flee, my body chose freeze of all things. My brain overthinking everything and nothing all while frozen to the spot!
Oh the human condition!!
Somehow I continued on, there were laughs and some tears, the singers and other readings all went very well and guests seemed to be enjoying it all. The bride and groom happy as all the elements came together to create a beautiful ceremony.
Phew, I settled in a little more thinking calmly that it was all going well after all.
But of course that wasn’t the end of it!
A hat trick was required, it seems, something to really top it all off . . . And it happened during the ring exchange.
The couple stood in front of me, ready to repeat their promises to each other, I called up the ring bearer. He headed over and placed both rings onto my folder. In one hand I was holding the microphone, in the other my folder with individual plastic holders for the script. “Thank you ring bearer” I exclaimed and then promptly dropped the couple’s rings onto the grass!
Arrrrrgh, Noooooo!
Calmly I somehow balanced microphone, folder, myself and bent over to pick up the rings. Luckily they hadn’t rolled anywhere far or disappeared into the bushes! Laughing I made some comment, hoping to pull it all back. Guests, bride and groom awkwardly laughing with me.
(I’m re-feeling that awkwardness all over again, I hope you are ok dear reader. Take a breath. There you go, it is ok!)
Brief awkward laughter, random mic bumping and a straightening of my dress moment later and I placed the rings back onto my folder only for . . .
You bloody guessed it!
I only went and dropped them twice didn’t I! Where is Narnia’s cupboard when you need it?
TWICE! Who does that?
Me, apparently!
Of course, ever the professional, and despite my mishaps, mistakes and frozen to my chair moments, I continued! I completed the ceremony and overall, it was a wonderful ceremony. There were a lot of moving parts, and they all went off without a hitch. It went smoothly really, especially to the guests who all seemed to love it. Many of the them came to tell me how much they loved the ceremony and how personal it was to the couple. And of course the bride and groom loved it too, they were very much in love and in their bubble of wonder at an amazing start to their celebrations.
A mind that won’t let up
Even with the wonderful comments and happy couple I could not get these mistakes out of my head. I was so ashamed. A day or so later I apologised to the bride. She replied letting me know it was fine, mistakes make us human and they loved the ceremony. So many guests said they loved it too. Everything was fine.
Still, I wallowed in an overwhelming emotion of something horrid. I could not shake the feeling. I felt so bad I was sure I should give up being a celebrant as this was not the job for me.
Two weeks I felt like that. It really hit me hard! An emotion I could not shake off. I had to sit in the discomfort. I questioned my life choices and really tried to figure out why I felt so incredibly down about the whole situation. This situation was going on solely in my head, in my mind.
After much soul searching I found a way through and said goodbye to my wallowing.
I am good at this, I love it and I can learn from this! And that's exactly what I did.
Three lessons
I learnt some interesting and life changing lessons from that wedding Things which have helped me grow as a celebrant and as a person. Things which help me be a better celebrant!
Here are 3 of them:
it is about You, not about me.
When I do the ceremony, it is about you as a couple, it’s about your guests. It’s about your experience; it’s about making sure you have their moment.
None of it is about me!
Yes, I lead the ceremony and you and your guests will focus in on me speaking, me guiding you all through the moving parts. A skilled celebrant will be able to bring that focus back to you, your guests, and the reason we are all there.
I was doing this, but my internal voice was screaming in fright about everyone focusing on me every time I was “on stage”. A huge barrier when public speaking! Our primitive brains think we’re under literal threat of life and cause our body to react accordingly. Not fun and a huge reason SO many humans are terrified to speak in public!
Spending that time wallowing helped me see this clearly and helped me change my mindset. Once I could see this I felt so free and the nerves took flight too! It has made a huge difference to my ceremonies since then!
mistakes / mishaps happen, embrace them, you are human after all!
Now, when I make some kind of mistake, I simply include it. I take the piss out of myself and I carry on. Kind of like “keep calm and carry on”.
At one wedding I fell down the steps during the ceremony, everyone gasped “are you ok?”, I straightened up and looked at the best man and said, “Now you don’t have to fall over as I have beaten you to it”. Everyone laughed with me and we continued!
(That was also the wedding where I nearly set the place alight and also ended up getting my heel stuck in the pavement afterwards, but I will tell that story another time!)
When you treat it as simply being human everyone gets on board as they also know exactly how that would feel if it happened to them.
Another cool trick is letting myself be in embarrassing/awkward situations more often. I feel the embarrassment, remind myself that my life isn’t in danger and over time I have learnt to calmly laugh my way out of almost every situation. And even no longer feel embarrassed in that my-whole-face-is-red moment as everyone stares waiting for me to speak.
It takes time to learn this but it is so worth it!
Ask the ring bearer to pass one ring at a time to the couple!
This isn’t a fast rule of mine, but I speak to your ring bearer’s beforehand so they know where to stand and what to do. After all, they are likely quite nervous too. It is helpful if they pass one ring at a time, especially if I am balancing a folder and a handheld mic.
The real lesson is: prepare for unseen eventualities as best as I can.
Did these mistakes make quit?
As you can see, making these mistakes, learning these lessons and changing my mindset has changed how I have come to every ceremony since then. It has made me a better celebrant! At times, I still get a little nervous, but nothing how I used to be.
The emotions I feel now are mostly nervous excitement for my couples and families. I no longer over practice the script. (it really is true that you can practice something too much which takes the humanness out of it!) I make sure I know the logistics, the timings, and where everyone should be at each point and I adapt when things go wrong. If I make mistakes or there are mishaps, I lean into them and make them a part of your occasion.
I have noticed over time that while I am learning to lean into those horrifically awkward situations I help others feel more comfortable when they experience them too. Which is really helpful to all of you who are especially nervous on your wedding day. I've got your back!
Making the mistakes made me a better celebrant!
Did I quit my work as a celebrant? Obviously not. The 9-5 world can no longer contain me and I certainly couldn’t tolerate it now! Not to mention I love being a celebrant, I love meeting everyone of my couples and hearing your stories.
Will I continue to make mistakes / experience mishaps here and there? Yes, I am human after all. You'll barely notice them and when you do you'll laugh along with me and we'll continue having the best ceremony ever!
In the meantime, while you are here you're obviously contemplating choosing a celebrant for your wedding or ceremony, get in touch. I'd love to chat!
T x
Get in touch to celebrate your wedding with me as your celebrant. I'd love to help you make wonderful wedding memories with your family and friends!
Making mistakes has made me a better Celebrant.
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