Let's talk about death and funerals!

I was at a BBQ, a gathering with friends the other day. It was a fabulously sunny day, we don't get many of those in northern England, you have got to take advantage while you can! It was a chill evening, chats and laughter, games and fun. So funeral talk would be the last conversation you'd expect to have. All the same, that's exactly what happened. A newish acquaintance felt comfortable enough to open up to me about a very sad time they are going through. We also ended up talking about our own funeral plans and how we'd both love something different, something not boring, something which showcased our lives as we have lived them.

This is what it's like to be around me, one minute we'll be chatting about the most silly video I spotted on insta or taking selfies to fill our group chat with laughter or perhaps sharing meal ideas or weekend plans. Next minute we will be talking about our funeral plans.

I'd have to do a survey among my friends to find out if they still bat an eyelid at these types of conversations, but I know many wouldn't any more.

For a long while I have wanted to make this type of conversation the norm, not the exception. We all know that death is coming to us, one way or another, at some point. All the same, SO very many of us do not make plans, do not sort insurance, do not talk to our family nor friends about it. Why? I think we are fearful of death, after all, we don't know what awaits us on the other side. (if there is another side). There is a huge fear of the unknown. The other aspect, and I am sure the most difficult to deal with, is the loss. Our hearts are broken and if we're the ones dying, we know our loves ones will be heart broken. Grief is not kind, it is life changing and it is a difficult journey to travel

Any way we look at death, dying and funerals, it can be scary. And that is okay.

it's time to normalise speaking about funerals & death

All the same, for the longest time I have wanted to normalise speaking about funerals. To do this I speak to my friends and family about it, often. Yes, there are some, often those I am not close with, who don't understand and the conversation upsets them. Mostly though, we have fun and interesting conversations about the topic. Very interesting conversations about our funeral plans, and how we'd like our loved ones to say goodbye. I have quite a few notes of funeral plans / ideas in my phone notes. We laugh and we ponder.

Sometimes those conversations lead to more serious conversations about having lost someone or perhaps illness that one of us has or perhaps a family member has. It very much helps that I am a celebrant and this is what I do anyway. It becomes a nod to saying it is ok to talk about death. People feel relaxed and at ease talking about some of the most difficult moments of their lives. I am so privileged to be a part of those conversations.

I can only hope that having the freedom to speak so freely about such a difficult topic takes the edge off just a little. At the very least, I hope it means they were able to start the conversation and continue it with loved ones if required.

(c)T. Ribeiro